Reshingle Your Roof With Steak-umms!

Everyone knows that Steak-umms are delicious. BUT did you also know that they are DURABLE and SHINGLE-SHAPED!!! Well… they are! So c’mon! Let’s make your neighbors jealous and hungry with a KICK-ASS, durable Steak-umms roof!!

1. Preliminary Step: Understanding the Name

Learning the origins of Steak-umms is important and respectful. Steak-umms were named after a brief conversation between their inventor and the first person who tried them:

Steak-umms Inventor: “Are you getting any steak flavors?”
Food Tester: “Steak? Um…. no, I’m getting cardboard and licorice. No, wait, just cardboard. And nausea, a lot of nausea.”

2. Acquire Steak-umms

Now that you’re knowledgeable, get yourself some Steak-umms! You probably have some in the back of your freezer from the 80’s, but you will need at least 2 to 3 more boxes depending on your roof size. Re-up at the frozen foods section of a Citgo or at an Odd-Lots/Big-Lots.

3. Adopt a Surly Attitude

Steak-umms are more of a LIFESTYLE than a food, so make sure you get into the right mindset before you start cooking. If you have kids, change into sweat pants and start yelling at them. If you have pets, use your family room carpet and furniture to potty train them. You get the idea! Be creative and figure out what gets you in the mood!

4. Cook the Steak-umms

Ignore the directions on the box and just drop the Steak-umms into your toaster like a Pop-Tart. Steak-umms smoke is wicked poisonous and thick, so watch your ass.

If you have a rat tail or mullet-type haircut, bring your tail around front under your nose and and breathe through it as an air filter. If it won’t stay put, anchor it to your crustache with duct tape.

5. Put Them On Your Roof

While they are still hot, carry the Steak-umms to your roof on your finest serving platter (good) or in an over-sized fanny pack (better). A thinly spread layer of Cheez Whiz or Marshmallow Fluff will act as an excellent adhesive and a tasty snack while you’re working.

6. Defend Your Steak-umms Roof from Jackals

SantaPeople will definitely try to eat your Steak-umms roof, so keep a close watch on ‘er. Be especially mindful/distrustful of Santa as he is a chubby roof-dweller.

Did we miss anything? Have a favorite Steak- umms home improvement project? Let us know!